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Blitzkrieg Blonde

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09:40 am: My overdue review of Twilight...

Welly, welly, welly, well...where to begin? The stilted dialogue? Constipated vampires? Tom Cruise (as portrayed by Peter Facinelli) in his gayest vampire role to date? (Sorry Tom, the gay thoughts won't stop chasing you buddy, accept it just like Scientology accepts you, ya mental midget). How about the "villain" that stepped right out of The Backstreet Boys? Fierce, that one; I fully expected Ponyboy to break into the Nutcracker Suite as one of the Sugarplum fairies he was so proud of choosing the ballet studio for his final showdown. Let's move onto the long suffering me...ahem, I mean Bella (me for having to listen to this dreck). First of all, is it me or does she look like she's been standing on the sailor ports with a sign reading, "GET IT HERE?" Buttercup puckered up for some special sailor who decided to do a little ice-fishing of his own. Frigid, that one. The chica barely spoke a complete sentence throughout the film. What? Are they supposed to be building a love story? Oh, the like, drama of today's teens! Like, we gotta go to the prom and like have to have like this vampire showdown. You just don't know what they're like going through parents! It's all about like what happening right now.

Gotta be said: VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE! I repeat: VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE! Granted, I haven't read the novel, but if the dialogue is as stilted as the film, I have to go with a pass on that one, Alex.

Read my reviews and you get homework: See immediately 30 Days of Night, Near Dark, Salem's Lot (the 70's version), Nosferatu (1922 and 1979), Innocent Blood, Classic Hammer and Uni (go for the thrall!), Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood, The Lost Boys, Fright Night, Lifeforce (VAMPIRES IN SPACE!), The Hunger (David Bowie, yum), The Fearless Vampire Killers...


VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE!!

Thank God A Clockwork Orange</> was on during the wee hours of the morning--had to get my horror show ultraviolent fix.

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